Simp Tales: Bob and Gail

This is a simp’s story.

Let’s call him “Bob,” which is a fake-ass name, but I don’t want to get sued or be responsible for a suicide or something. Bob was married to “Gail,” again a fake name for my own safety and sanity. Bob and Gail were allegedly happily married; I put in allegedly because we ALL knew Gail was unhappy, but she was too pussy-footed to say it out loud.

No, seriously, Gail was never a happy camper. She married Bob when they were young, at 18, because really 18 is just 17 but a year older and a year less stupid. Gail and Bob were high school sweethearts, so that kinda makes sense. The marriage WAS happy for a while, up until the mid-20’s. That’s when it hit Gail: holy shit, she hadn’t done anything with her life except be the wife of this dude, and now she’s missed out on everything.

So for seven years Gail is writhing in her own pity party about how she’s wasted her youth, and oh woe is me I coulda been someone great, and all my best years are behind me and yada yada yada. Eventually it came to a head at age 32, when Gail realized holy shit, she was four years away from officially being married half her life and what is that oh my God no. So she did what every bored wife with no backbone does: look elsewhere for excitement. She eventually found it.

Her name was Simone. Gail and Simone met at some yoga class or some shit, I don’t remember. What I do remember is that they started hanging out more and more each week. What started off as hanging out after class became hanging out every Saturday at the park, then the mall, then weekend trips together because both ladies had work on Monday. Now I’m not saying they were fucking, but anyone with half a brain cell could see the sparks between the two.

So skip ahead a few months, and Gail hits Bob with the bombshell: “I want to experiment with an open marriage.” Boom, it was clear that Gail wanted to try being with Simone out in the open. And Bob, being the fucking idiot that he was, eventually relented.

Now I gotta explain Bob. Oh Lord, there’s never been a sadder sack of shit than good ol’ Bob. He was never the most handsome guy ever, or the funniest, or even the best equipped for the bedroom; what he was, he was a nice guy. He was nice. That’s what he had going for him. He was the kinda guy who’d buy you flowers on a first date, and bring chocolates to sweeten the deal. Pun intended.

Bob won Gail over by being nice to her after she broke up with her boyfriend in ninth grade. He basically bought her a big Hershey bar and a pint of chocolate ice cream, listened to her cry for five hours (no joke), and served as a shoulder to cry on. Eventually, in a moment of sadness and solitude, Gail caved in to her base desires for love and company and her fear of being alone and unloved, and got together with Bob. So from ninth grade to graduation and beyond, Bob and Gail were “happy.” Well, BOB was happy; we gotta be honest, Gail was way beyond his league in the looks department.

So for all of their relationship, Bob was the one putting Gail over all else. He’d do everything for her; from driving her to wherever she wanted to go, to even paying her college tuition. It was infuriating, to say the least. But who can smack some sense to a fool in love?

Anyway, back to the present. Gail and Bob opened up the marriage, with Gail now officially dating Simone. Bob never liked Simone, but he’d be civil to her whenever she’d show up at his and Gail’s house. Bob wasn’t a big fan either of waving his wife goodbye every Friday afternoon, knowing she’d be back on Sunday evening looking depressed. But he knew his wife was happy, and that was enough, right?

Right?

I wanted to tell Bob to his face “dude, break up with Gail already.” Seeing him so sad and miserable every weekend at the bar, his silent wails so loud they were deafening, it got to a guy, ya know? Came to a point that NONE of us wanted anything to do with Bob anymore; we just wanted him to get his shit together already and fucking man up.

There was this Saturday night, I took Bob to a diner for burgers. Honestly, though, I just knew one of the waitresses who worked there was pretty lonely and desperate, so I thought maybe Bob could get with her. I mean, open marriage, right? But Bob never so much as asked for her number. Sure she wasn’t as pretty as Gail, but she was AT LEAST a seven! Maybe even an eight all dolled up!

“Dude, the marriage is open,” I said to him. “Date someone. That girl’s available, and I think she likes you.”

“No,” said Bob. “That wouldn’t be fair to Gail.”

That’s when I snapped, and straight up said “she’s fucking Simone as we speak, and you’re too chicken shit to even ask a girl for her number! The fuck’s wrong with you!?”

He looked me in the eye and said “I love her too much.”

“Yeah,” I said to him. “And you don’t even respect yourself. Know what? Don’t be surprised if she leaves you for her.”

But she didn’t. Gail and Simone lasted about a year and a half; eventually they broke up, and Gail went back to Bob. It happened that I managed to catch up with Gail once, listen to her side of the story.

“I was happy with Simone,” she said. “But the idea of leaving Bob for her terrified me. Actually, the idea of being with someone for the rest of my life terrifies me.”

“So why not leave Bob?” I asked.

“I feel like I owe him a lot,” she replied with a sigh. “I mean, he’s already done so much for me, and…what if he’s one of a kind?”

“You know he’s not,” I said.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I feel like, if I leave him, I won’t ever find another man who’s guaranteed to take care of me. But…Bob’s so boring and dull…I don’t love him at all, but I know I won’t find another man like him. It’s hard...”

“No it’s not,” I thought to myself. “You’re just too cowardly and self centered to take a plunge and live your own life.”

Of course I told Bob everything. Tears in his eyes, he just said “At least I won’t lose her.”

“You already did,” I snapped at him. “She’s not yours, never has been, never will be. You’re her Plan B, her Safety Net, and she doesn’t even respect you enough to say it to your face! And you sure as hell don’t respect yourself enough to stop her from treating you like this…”

Bob and Gail are still married, far as I know. She still dates other people, but they never last long. Honestly I think Simone was The One for her, ya get me? But she wasn’t brave enough to take the plunge. And Bob now knows the truth: he’s not Gail’s soulmate. He’s not even her priority; he’s her Plan B if she doesn’t find true love.

Love isn’t enough, guys and gals and all that rainbow in between. Respect is needed too. That’s all that can be said.