Learn from these Simps

I present to you five simps, and what life lessons you can learn from them. Basically, don’t do what these five idiots did…

5. Screech from Saved by the Bell

The perennial 90’s story of a nerd in love. Screech is the nerd, he wants the hot girl who’s WAY out of his league, but he tries and tries to win her over…and he FAILS? Yup! You can’t force an attraction, especially not with someone who sees through your bullshit and has you pinned for what you are: a thirsty ass motherfucker.

Lisa’s problem with Screech wasn’t just that he was a nerd with AWFUL fashion sense and a screechy voice; she just plain didn’t like him, and she REALLY didn’t like how he wouldn’t take NO for an answer. Honestly, Screech would be a great horror movie villain in the 21st century; a character like his can no longer be played for laughs like in the 90’s, I think.

What you can learn from Screech is this: she’s not gonna change her mind about you. You can treat her to as many dinners as you want, buy her as many diamonds as you can, but she won’t change her mind if she dislikes YOU. And not the YOU who’s a nerd or has poor fashion sense, I mean the you beneath all that: the fundamental you. If she doesn’t like the real you, she’ll never like you. So…forget about her and move on.

And eventually he DID move on. During the third season, Screech was able to score a great love interest by the name of Violet, a girl who liked the real Screech. She even called him by his given name: Samuel. The two didn’t last long because…TV, but the point remains that Screech found actual love. And if he can, so can you.

4. Sierra from Total Drama

Yes, girls can be simps, too. Suckers idolizing mediocre penis. Sometimes girls can be way worse about it than guys.

Sierra’s the kinda gal you DON’T wanna meet, much less have her obsess over you. She’s fundamentally creepy with how she obsesses over you, how she neglects her real life in favor of whatever she’s obsessing over, and generally how detached from the real world she seems. Sierra’s the kind of girl whom you’re just not sure if she’ll go all Lorena Bobbitt on you if you let her into your life or not. That’s why she doesn’t have any actual friends on the show, something even the Queen of Mean herself, Heather, can boast.

Sierra is OBSESSED with Cody, another character on the show, who in turn is obsessed with Gwen, a far more popular girl. She has no chance; not just because Cody’s too into Gwen to notice anyone else, but because Sierra legitimately SCARES the poor boy! Seriously, SHE WATCHES HIM SLEEP!!! THAT’S NOT A RED FLAG, THAT’S THE UNITED NATIONS OF RED FLAGS!!!

So…don’t do that. Don’t obsess over people, OK? Be chill; take it easy, and take it one day at a time. Don’t go around planning a wedding just because he said hi to you first!

3. Bill Dauterive from King of the Hill

…ya know what? Let me just get right to the point…

DON’T! LET! A WOMAN! BREAK YOU!!! Don’t let a relationship destroy your life to the point where you’re just a shell of who you used to be! And for the love of God, GET OVER IT! Stop moping about it if the relationship ended literally YEARS ago! If she left you, accept it and MOVE ON!!!

There is NOBODY in this God forsaken Earth worth crying over for years and years on end just because she left you. Yes you can mourn the end of the relationship, but there comes a time where you HAVE to pick yourself up and carry on with your life. Life still goes on, buddy, and we only get to live once. So…enjoy your life, and don’t cry over some thot who left you.

She wants to leave? Show her the door and forget about her. There’s billions of women in the world; why let ONE ruin your life?

This is a lesson that took Bill three seasons to learn…and then another five seasons because, again, TV. Try not to take so long.

2. Knives Chau from Scott Pilgrim

Knives almost doesn’t deserve to be on this list because she’s a 17 year old girl who fell hard for the biggest douche bag in the world: Scott Pilgrim. After Scott cheated on her with Ramona Flowers, and then dumped her for Ramona Flowers (on the insistence of his gay roommate, because otherwise Scott wouldn’t have even bothered to do THAT), Knives becomes obsessed with her trash-tacular ex-boyfriend. This leads her to do a whole lot of crazy shit just to win him back, including picking a fight with Ramona.

Yeah…don’t. Sometimes the trash takes itself out, and this is precisely what happened with Knives. She was just too young to see it; she loved being treated like an adult, but she deserved someone who respected her enough to NOT cheat on her. Knives didn’t know any better; she was still a kid dealing with an adult relationship, a relationship that shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

PSA: nobody over 18 has ANY business dating someone under 18. That’s just fucking creepy.

Anyway, of all the simps on this list, Knives is the most sympathetic, and a reminder that sometimes simpitude comes from a combination of emotional pain and immaturity. If Knives had been Scott’s age, yes she’d been hurt by his betrayal, but she would have gotten over it and see Scott for the trash heap he truly is. It is my hope that, in the future, Knives will realize she lucked out by losing such a creep.

This is the lesson: if they cheat on you, they don’t deserve another second of your thoughts. Forget about them and move on. YES IT WILL HURT! But it doesn’t have to be forever. And you deserve way better than that.

1. Mordecai from Regular Show

Ya know what? Why don’t I just…make a list of things this douchenozzle did that you shouldn’t do?

1- Don’t abandon your friends just to get with a girl.

2- Don’t be a total douchebag just to get with a girl.

3- Don’t pick a fight with your friend when he’s pointing out the fact that you’re being a total simp over a girl.

3a- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T TRY TO KILL YOUR FRIEND OVER THAT!

4- Get to know a girl first BEFORE sounding the wedding bells.

5- Actually tell someone how you feel about them, while you have the time and chance to do it. If not, you’ll regret it.

6- When dating someone new, forget the past and focus on the PRESENT.

7- For the love of all that is good and holy, DON’T KISS YOUR EX GIRLFRIEND IF YOU HAVE A CURRENT GIRLFRIEND!!!

8- When in a wedding giving a wedding speech, in the name of reason and decency, please don’t start rambling on and on about how you’re not sure if your soulmate exists or if they’re in that very room. Especially not if your current girlfriend is right there, glaring daggers at you, as you make a complete ass of yourself in front of the bride and groom and all their guests. Just…fucking…don’t.